Don’t be afraid to change. You may lose something good but you may gain something better.

Life is ever changing.

I used to think that change was either good or bad, but over time I have realized that change isn’t necessarily good or bad, but rather change is just uncomfortable. Case in point: the last two months have been full of everything uncomfortable and nothing familiar. I’ve gone through the hardest break-up I could possibly imagine and as a result I moved out of the place I called home for the last year and a half, and left behind a life that I had grown accustomed to over the course of the last few years. I gave up all the dreams and ambitions I had for that relationship, and suffered working through all the things I thought were real and true.  I’ve moved back in with my parents. I’ve started a new job. And I have re-entered the dating world… something I thought I was done with!!! Everything has changed. Nothing is familiar. As much as I have hated that fact for the last two months, I have realized that it is just one giant mess of uncomfortable and that’s OKAY.

I know it’s okay because I was talking to a very special person the other day about the changes that she is going through in her life at the age of 14 and it reminded me of the way that I felt back then – confused, lost, unsure, and incredibly overwhelmed with what loomed ahead of me as I graduated 8th grade and entered the abyss they call high school. In talking to this girl I realized that all the feelings she has right now, I once had. Her feelings about her future, are essentially the same feelings I have now and have had for the past two months, just in a different context. Yes, things for me are uncertain, shattered, confusing, emotional, and scary, but (thinking back to when I was 14), life is currently, more than anything, just extremely uncomfortable. This young girl, reminded me of how I often times focus too much on the bigger picture rather than just focusing on the day-to-day. Taking in too much of the bigger picture just leads to unnecessary worrying and an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach.

But why is there such a negative connotation to being uncomfortable?? I mean if we think about it, some of the best life-experiences come from being uncomfortable in the beginning! For the girl I hold so near and dear, she gets to open a new chapter in her life and figure out who she is – who God made her to be. She gets to make a whole batch of new friends that she can play basketball with, go to dances with, talk about boys with, and rely on for the next 4 years. Will these friends be life-long? Maybe. Maybe not. But it doesn’t matter because she gets to make memories that she can carry with her the rest of her life. There may be mistakes along the way, maybe a few hurt feelings and possibly even a broken heart at some point. But the point is this looming change before her has so many fantastic possibilities!!

For me, the same is true. God may have stripped me of everything I knew and loved and called “my life”, but He did so, so that I might have a clearer view of the person He made me to be. He has asked me to be uncomfortable so that I might be better able to see all the things in life that I needed to change or that I am capable of doing beyond what I ever thought possible. For me, I get to use this time to try new things, go out and meet new people, build confidence in being on my own, and figure out what I really want out of this crazy, beautiful mess called life. I’m taking a leap of faith and letting God be in control this time around – a hard thing for me to do because I love being in control, but I know relinquishing that control will be one of the most rewarding things I can do in this lifetime.

So my friends, with that being said, I have changed the blog name from “OvercomingED” to “Candid_Life_of_K.” My life is about so much more than the eating disorder and I want to embrace all of it!! It’s still my journey with ED but I’m not going to focus on that, as it doesn’t define me and I want to really start focusing on other parts of my life as well, such as the marathon I will run next week, the trips I will take, the people I will meet and the funny stories I will have to share.

“Sometimes the things we can’t change end up changing us.”

“Change is difficult, not changing is fatal.”

Change – a simple word with a difficult meaning.

Relapse

This is how it used to be… Everyday. Now this process and the ED thoughts are becoming fewer and farther between, but today…. Today the ED is back. Back with in a full-swing vengeance. It’s consuming. This is reality spelled out in words. This is the ugliest thing I’ve posted to date, the rawest of thoughts/emotions… All because I ate a sandwich for lunch. It’s not a cry for help. It’s a statement of how it is on the bad days.

I want to eat.
I want to eat till I’m physically sick.
I’m scared to eat.
I’m scared to eat for fear of gaining weight.
I burn a lot of calories running.
But those calories burned make up for calories consumed in excess.
Everyone tells me to replenish my body.
I can’t.
I’m scared.
More food = more calories which = weight gain.
I can’t gain weight.
I still see fat on my body.
I’m hungry.
I’m cranky.
I want to eat.
I hate following a healthy diet.
I want to eat pasta and carbs.
No I don’t.
I want to be skinny
I want to look good in a swim suit.
I want to look good in a little black dress.
I’m scared of being called fat again.
I’m scared of bigger clothes – baggy clothes.
I want to be perceived as sexy.
I want to feel sexy.
I don’t want to feel ugly.
I don’t want to feel unhappy.
Maybe if I eat, I’ll feel better.
Okay maybe I can eat a peach…
I ate a peach.
Now I want some almonds or something salty and crunchy.
No you had a peach.
That’s enough.
Eat any more now and you’ll gain weight.
That peach wasn’t a scheduled meal.
But almonds are healthy and I’ll only have 6.
Okay eat six see if it helps.
Nope I’m still hungry.
Maybe I need water.
Yeah water would be filling.
Ok I forced down a glass Of water.
I really want more almonds.
12 is an ounce.
And ounce is a serving.
I can have a serving, right?
Are you going to work it off?
I can try, but I feel lazy.
Maybe I’ll just eat the almonds and not eat the next meal or only have something small.
Okay, I can eat six more almonds.
I kind of feel better.
I’ll see how long I’m satisfied
It’s been an hour hunger is back
I feel so fat though
I shouldn’t have had the almonds and peach
I should have gone for a walk or read my book.
I can’t eat any more today.
I’ll gain weight if I do.
Maybe I should go lay down.
Yeah I’ll cry myself to sleep.
It’s only 3 pm.
Maybe I’ll feel like a workout when I wake up.
Maybe I’ll sleep till morning and won’t have to face food again today.
Yeah I’ll go lay down.
I’ll cry myself to sleep.
I’m so tired.
I’m so hungry.
I want to eat.
I want to be skinny.
I am scared of gaining weight.
I’m not eating again today.
It’s not worth this emotional battle.

Recovery means…

recovery

tat

RECOVERY MEANS… 

loving myself

being kind to myself

having a healthy relationship with food and exercise

RECOVERY MEANS… 

knowing that I am good enough

knowing that I have the strength to overcome this

proving to myself that I am not just a number on a scale

RECOVERY MEANS…  

proving that I am pretty – inside and out

loving the body I have

appreciating the strength my body holds

RECOVERY MEANS… 

means living free from the bonds of anorexia

being alive

being able to fight the hard fight

RECOVERY MEANS… 

facing my challenges no matter how impossible they may seem

learning to find other coping mechanisms for anxiety

learning to trust God and His plan

RECOVERY MEANS… 

making gains – big or small – relapsing, and knowing it is okay

running the marathon of life

getting better for myself

RECOVERY MEANS… 

not being defined by the mirror

not being defined by society

being uniquely me

RECOVERY MEANS… 

sharing my story

using this journey as proof that I can do anything I set my mind to

eating what I want when I want

RECOVERY MEANS… 

not feeling a constant need to exercise or restrict food

enjoying eating out

being able to participate in family events revolving around food

RECOVERY MEANS… 

being able to one day have healthy babies

being able to pass positive body image onto my future kids

having the strength to face the painful memories

RECOVERY MEANS… 

being able to admit I have a problem and seek help

not being afraid of what other people think of me

being confident and happy in my own skin

RECOVERY MEANS… 

laughing more and crying less

taking new risks

learning from my mistakes and moving forward anyway

RECOVERY MEANS… 

not focusing on the past

being optimistic for the future

overcoming this demon…. for ME!!!

It’s a Process

Hopefully this will be short as I am leaving for therapy soon, but I haven’t posted in a while so I thought I should post something inspirational.

1

Things have been challenging lately. There have been new obstacles to face and old ones to continue to climb over. It feels like I am taking one step forward and two backward at times. Other times it feels like I am invincible and can overcome anything. The later of the two is less common, but it is there, and that is good. But I was reminded this morning to look at how far I have come in this process and to focus on that, not how far I still have to go. I was wasting time on Pinterest as I do many mornings while I eat breakfast – it’s addicting and I love the quotes section! I stumbled upon the quote above, maybe coincidence, maybe a God message. Either way, it was something I needed reminding of. Especially today. 

Thursdays SUCK. The hardest day of the week. Therapy is hard and only keeps getting harder. I get anxious and I want to run and hide. I have to talk about things I have kept bottled up for so long and just want to forget. But I have come to realize that I am never going to get any better if I don’t talk about the past. Talking about it is one thing… Dwelling on it is an entirely different thing. Thursdays I do both. I have to talk about the past in therapy, but then I dwell on it after. It is my way of processing I guess. But dwelling on it only reminds me of how far I have to go. If I compared the past to now – anyone would tell you I have come a long ways. Ask me and I would say I’ve been stuck in the same rut for years. But reality is… I have come a long way and I do have a long way to go. So while I may be in the same rut, it is a slightly different rut because I have made progress. Some days I relapse and that is OK – it is part of this grueling process. 

We all have battles to fight and demons to face. An eating disorder is mine. Admitting that was a HUGE step forward. Starting this blog was another HUGE step forward. I think if we are honest with ourselves and take five minutes to really look at our situations, I think that we could all find the progress that we have made. Yeah the lack of progress will be there too, but I think that reminding ourselves of the progress made will only fuel the motivation to continue on and push through the rough days. It helps me anyway – especially on Thursdays… 

Hi. I’m recovering from an eating disorder.

ED

 

I have always loved this.. It is so true. I have people compliment me all the time about how I look or about how I am doing. Do I believe it? No. Not always anyway. So let’s address why comment are hard, why I lie about how I am doing, and how I can take offense so easily. 

This week in therapy we talked about how the ED has trained my mind to take everything negatively. I take everything negatively because the ED is still in control. I might say “thank you” or “you’re sweet” when people compliment me but that is the hardest thing to do because my mind says “they’re lying” or “they’re just being nice.” When in reality, why would a complete stranger, someone who has zero clue as to my struggles, need to lie to me? Why would they “just be nice?” It doesn’t make sense, but that is how I see it. And forget family or friends being able to compliment me. Those I rarely believe. I feel like the people that know me and know my battles are just making those comments as a way to get me to eat or to stop exercising or obsessing with the way I look. It’s stupid that I think that way, I can admit that. But you call a girl fat once and it sticks with her her whole life. Tell a girl to suck in her tummy, and it is something she will do for the rest of her life. Ask a girl if she really needs to eat that much or go back for “seconds” and she will remember it, and chances are she will take it to the extreme… she will ask her self if she should really eat everything she is about to put in her mouth. 

The ED in it’s entirety is a negative thing. So this week when Marissa (my therapist), Jacob, and I talked about how I viewed everything negatively – from comments people make to refuting my own thoughts as they start to change for the better – she pointed out to me that I have been battling this for 11 years with a lot of negative weight and food influences before that, so it is going to take time to retrain the way I think. It’s like having the good and bad angels sitting on my shoulders. The bad one being the strong one, and the good one being the one that gets shushed. The bad one constantly saying “they’re lying,” “they just want you to eat,” “they are obligated to say that.” All while the good one is saying “just believe them for once,” “not everyone is out to get you,” “they love you, why would they lie to you?” I have to train my mind to learn to let the good angel talk – definitely not an easy task. 

This week in therapy we also talked about how I tend to tell little white lies to cover up the ED. Nothing big, but just things to avoid talking about how I am really doing or about my problems. I have never liked admitting I need help or that I can’t do something on my own and I have certainly NEVER liked people knowing I have problems. I used to lie about “not feeling well,” or “not being hungry,” or “eating a little while ago,” so that I could skip meals or not eat much. It was my way of covering up starving myself. I used to do sit-ups, push-ups, squats, lunges, and other weight bearing exercises when I was alone, so people wouldn’t see my trying to compensate for eating. I’d run longer than I said I did. I’d eat a salad and say it sounded delicious, when really all I wanted was a burger and fries like everyone else at the table. I’d avoid eating around people so no one could comment on how little I ate or the food choices I made. Point is, I did what I could to try to hide the eating disorder as long as possible. I remember the first time I failed. I was with my swim team on a summer travel trip to Kansas for a meet. We were eating pizza for dinner. Let’s just say I hated this idea, pizza was a “over my dead body” food at this point. But I remember how my dad used to eat it – just toppings, no crust. So that is what I did. I had two or three slices of just cheese, sauce and pepperoni. My teammates thought I was crazy. A few that really cared, tried to get me to eat the whole pieces and then confronted me later. I can remember them sitting with me in their hotel room confronting me about my problem and telling me that if I didn’t tell our coach and my mom they would. Well thank God for good teammates and friends. I refused to tell either of them, so they told my coach and he pulled me aside and gave me one more chance to tell my mom on my own or he would tell her and not allow me to practice until I told her. Well this was not an option, I needed to practice, or rather the ED needed to practice. So I told my mom. she cried, I cried.. but she knew. She knew and probably had known for a while, that I had a problem. We said we would seek help when we got home from the trip, but unfortunately we never did. I should mention here that it was in NO WAY my moms fault. I was the one that didn’t want the help. I was the one that didn’t want some doctor to tell me I couldn’t swim or exercise. I didn’t want to go to a rehab center or some recovery hospital. My mom tried and even threatened to get me help… I always did just enough to keep her from forcing me to get help. I was scared. She was scared. It’s a SCARY thing. I will tell you this though, my mom helped in more ways than I could ever count. She made sure I had nutritious food, she bought peanut butter grapes and soy nuts like they were going out of style. She made foods she knew I would eat and she always made sure I knew I could ask her for anything I needed. So please know it was NOT her fault I didn’t seek help sooner than I did, and also remember that I told you in my first post, we thought I was past all this nonsense when my grandfather died and I started eating again. I was the one that didn’t want the help. I was the one that didn’t want to get better. I was the one so focused on being thin that I chose to live my life the way that I did for so long. 

So why do I take offense so easily? Because I take everything negatively. Because I don’t know how else to take things. Having an ED makes you vulnerable and irritable. An ED depletes not only your body of nutrients it needs, but also of mental and physical energy. I don’t always think clearly because I am depleted. I get tired when I don’t eat, don’t eat enough or even when I don’t eat the right way. It is so much harder to take a step back and ask yourself “what did they really mean by that?” when you are depleted, tired and cranky. But even when you aren’t those things, an ED still makes you vulnerable. Things become personal very quick because sometimes it seems like everyone is out to get you or hurt you in some way shape or form. Sometimes things that are said trigger memories from the past that really hurt, even though the current situation may be under a totally different context. So it’s not always that the comment, conversation or situation is meant to offend, it just inadvertently does. Is this bad? No, not always, but it should be addressed on both sides. So that is one of my tasks this week from therapy – try to calm my mind enough to take a step back and really truly ask myself, “What did that person really mean by that?” and “Did I really take that the way it was intended or am I construing things when I shouldn’t be?” Again not easy things to do. So if you are reading this and you encounter me this week, be prepared for me to ask you how you meant something if I take it the wrong way! 

Finally, as the last part of the quote says. I appreciate the support, love, time and money that have gone into this process over the last 11 years. Mom, dad, THANK YOU!!! From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!!! You have loved and supported me both emotionally and financially through all this, and I appreciate it. None of this is your fault and you should NEVER blame yourselves or think that it is your fault – ITS NOT!!! The two of you are wonderful beyond words! Nana, THANK YOU!!! You have loved and supported me my whole life. You and Papa both have. You have done what you can to help me through this and it is appreciated tremendously!! Jacob, THANK YOU!!! I couldn’t have made it over some of these recent hurdles without you. You have taken the brunt of some of my moods, and you have done nothing but love me. It doesn’t go un-noticed. I appreciate your support – emotionally and financially. There have been many sessions I couldn’t have gotten through without your physical presence. Rachel, THANK YOU!! You will forever be my sister. I know you love and support me through this and that you are fighting similar demons. Thank you for the love, encouragement and prayers. To those teammates – you know who you are! Thank you for confronting me and supporting me even though I didn’t want to help myself. Thank you guys for still including me as a part of the team and for pushing me both in the pool and in life! We had a lot of good times together. There are too many other people who have supported me through this to thank individually. So THANK YOU! I know I am not always showing my gratitude, but I assure you it is there and it runs deep. 

I am recovering from an eating disorder. I will recover from it. But in the mean time I will continue to fight, take one step forward and two steps back. It will be confusing for me and you. There will be many more tears and rough days, many more “moods.” There will be “faces” to hide how I am feeling, not because I want to hurt you by lying to you, but because I want “normalcy” – whatever that is. There is a long road ahead of me, I realize this with each new day, but there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I will reach it – I have come too damn far to quit now. I will continue this fight – I have so many reasons to fight! 

Thank you all, and may God bless you! 

I Wonder…

I wonder what life would be like without this stupid disease.
I wonder what it would be like to go one whole day without obsessing over exercise or calories. Just ONE day…
I wonder what it would be like to not care what I put in my body.
I wonder what it would be like to love the way I look – 100% love the way I look.
I wonder what it would be like to have a sense of regained confidence in myself.
I wonder what it would be like to not beat myself up for eating more than planned.
I wonder what it would be like to enjoy eating, not eat because it is part of rehab.
I wonder what it would be like to say enough is enough and kick this ED to the curb for good.
I wonder what it would be like to not be afraid to eat out or around other people.
I wonder what it would be like to not care about the number on the scale.

What would it be life if I never got this eating disorder in the first place?
What would I look like if I never became anorexic?
What would be different if I never had body image issues?
What if I had never stepped on the scale and became obsessed with the number?
What if I chose to not let the number on the scale define me?

There are a thousand thoughts, questions and wonderings running through my head. I wonder how things would be different without the ED. I wonder how things would be different if it never existed in the first place. I have my guesses as to how they would be different. Honestly, I am still trying to decide if I like what my guesses are. I assume I wouldn’t look the same or have some of the healthy habits (the truly healthy ones) that I have. I assume I wouldn’t be as active and I may not wear some of the things I wear – two piece, cute sun dresses, shorts, etc.

I have fought this battle for a reason. I am not sure what that reason is, and I may never know. God promises to never give us more than we can handle and it is known that He has our lives planned out. So this is one of the demons I was asked to fight. He brought me to it and He will bring me through it. And while it has been one heck of a long and painful battle that is not even close to over, I can’t deny that I have grown. I have learned to fight and not take the easy way out. I have learned to face my fears. I have learned to start to relax and try new things, regardless of how scared I am. I have started to learn to not let anxiety get in my way and not let the ED being in control all the time. I’m not perfect at any of these things… I take one step forward and three back. It is a vicious cycle. But most importantly I have started to learn to let go and let GOD. I am learning to trust Him and His plan. I am learning to trust that there is a reason that I am fighting this. I am learning to be patient and pay attention to the process and the small victories. Again, none of which is easy.

That being said, I may have all these wonders about how things might be different without the ED, or how things could be if I didn’t fight it, or didn’t care about it. But I do care about it, it is part of my life, and I am fighting it. I am fighting it for myself and my future well-being. I am fighting it to be a stronger better person. So instead of hating the disease and spending time wondering what life would be like if things were different… I am going to start looking at things from a new angle. I am going to accept that it is my current demon and that it won’t go away overnight, just like I didn’t become anorexic overnight. It was a process to become anorexic, and it is a process to become NOT anorexic, and it will be something I have to make a conscious effort to fight for the REST of my life. I may be declared, “rid of this dumb disease,” but I will have to work to make sure that I don’t relapse.

So now I wonder..

How will my future look if I make a serious effort to fight this disease?
How will my future look if I stop hating myself and my disease and accept it?
How will my future change if I stop spending countless hours counting calories, exercising excessive, and being paranoid about gaining weight?
How will my future look if I stop trying to be in control?
How will my future look if I let go and let GOD?
How will my future look if I trust that He will bring me through this?
How will my present change if I rely on GOD to be in control?

I’m done wishing things were different. I am done wishing I could rewind and change the past. I am done wasting energy, sleep, tears and time, wishing I wasn’t anorexic. Things aren’t different, I can’t change the past, and I am anorexic. I think in order to really fight this thing I need to accept those three facts and commit to making the future different – not repeating the past or continuing to live in this pit.

There is a reason for this battle. I wonder what that reason is. Maybe if I slow down long enough, and relinquish my need for control, maybe then I can begin to see what that reason is, maybe not. But maybe in doing those things I can have answers to my wonderings about the present and the future – I can see how they will be different. Point is… I am DONE wondering… I want to finally start living and moving past this disease.

 

over

Society Can Take Their So-Called “Standards” and Shove ‘Em

Society is really starting to piss me off. Actually I think I have been pissed off for a while now, I just finally feel I have the words to say and the outlet in which I can say them. I am sick of society saying that men and women have to look a certain way to be accepted or to have sex appeal. It’s DUMB. The adds with all the unrealistic looking models that show them with big ridiculous smiles, wind blown hair, perfect make-up, and thin body – types that are all a perfect size 2 and have C-cups. Seriously? I mean come on. Not everyone is a size 2 and I know for a fact not everyone is a C-cup. Men don’t walk around with big buff chests and perfectly sculpted muscles, nor to they have perfect teeth or a “hot” model – like girlfriend on their arm. Who says that we need these things in life to be happy or successful? Who says we have to wear our hair, make-up or even our clothes a certain way to be acceptable in society??

 

Social media irritates me. Pop culture celebrities irritate me. Ads for lingerie, cologne, perfume, make-up and designer clothes irritate me. Most of all ads for diet pills, diet plans, workout machines, and cosmetic surgery IRRITATE me. Maybe I am biased because I fell victim to those messages, but statistics prove I am not the only one who has. Millions of men and women fall victim to these messages on a daily basis. Some form eating disorders like I did; others form distorted body images. Others still have their sense of self-worth stripped from their being. Worst-case scenario, some even commit suicide because they have tried unsuccessfully to achieve the standards that society has made it so ridiculously clear we need to meet.

 

So why? Why must we continue to create such ads and send out such messages? The purpose is to sell products and for someone to gain some sort of wealth through this ridiculous game. But is someone’s monetary wealth really worth another person’s pain and suffering??? At what point are we, as a society, going to say enough is enough already? At what point are we going to start seeing advertisements that focus on things like individuality, uniqueness, and self-love? When are we going to embrace the way we were made? For goodness sake, when are we going to finally understand that it is 100% OKAY to be DIFFERENT??? Why do we all have to be the same, dress the same, act the same, have the same income, or the same level of status?

 

I was sitting in church yesterday, when the pastor said something that my parents, grandparents, and boyfriend have been trying to help me understand. The pastor at my church said this, “You are unique. You are an original work, not a copy. You were created in God’s own image, and all your “so-called” imperfections make you 100% perfect.” I was in tears, because I finally understood. I understood that, what the people I love most in this life, have been telling me is true. True not because the pastor at my church said it, but because God said it. It is in the Bible and it is finally written in my heart by the One who has my life in His hands.

 

I get it, not everyone believes in God and that is fine, this isn’t a discussion on religion. This is a discussion on embracing who we are. It is a discussion about loving ourselves in spite of our flaws. We all have them, so why don’t we embrace them? Why don’t we start looking at our flaws as the things that make us different and the things that make us unique? If we thought of our flaws like works of art (which we are) we are all 100% different, so that would make us originals… and if we are originals, wouldn’t that make us worth a lot of money in some fancy art gallery??? Lightbulb – it would!! If we were all the same work of art with millions and millions of copies, we wouldn’t be worth much if anything at all. So why then, do we place so much emphasis on being the same as those around us? Jealousy, greed and lack of self-confidence all play a part, sure. But I think if we all start to really pay attention, we would see that the one culprit to this issue is society and social media as a whole. WE place the emphasis on being the same, WE place the emphasis on needing to look a certain way or weigh a certain amount because we equate those things to mean success, money, love and happiness.

 

It’s quite sad that I have had to battle Anorexia as long as I have to FINALLY just begin to understand this. I wish I had believed my parents every time they told me I was unique and perfectly perfect the way that I was created. I wish I had believed them when they told me I didn’t need to be a certain weight or look a certain way to be accepted. The only people that accept me for looking, acting or dressing a certain way are fake people that I want nothing to do with in terms of association. If only I had believed my parents when they first tried to show me that I didn’t need to conform to this dumb societal standard…. My life would be drastically different. Or so I would like to think. But I can’t change the past or the choices that I have made – all I can do is live with them, learn from them, and move past them. Because if I keep dwelling on what society says and keep trying (and failing) to meet there standard, I will never get anywhere in life, because the standard society set is truly impossible to reach.

 

So from now on, I am vowing to myself to try to ignore the messages society sends. I will do what I can to love myself, for who God made me. I will try to look at my flaws as my markings that make me on-of-a-kind. I am going to try to focus on making myself happy rather than trying to please other people. I am going to try to rebuild the confidence that has been destroyed through the chains of society.  I am going to gain my life back and start living it to the fullest! I have wasted far too much of my life on trying to reach the standard that society has so forcefully placed in front of me, and quite honestly, I am SICK of living my life that way. I am sick of trying to be someone I am not. I’m SICK of focusing on the surface, physical features, I want to focus on what really matters to me. I want to focus on being 100% UNIQUELY ME!!!!! Why is the real Kaitlynn not good enough? The truth? SHE IS!!! She is soo much more than good enough. So from hear on out society can take it’s messages about being thin, or model ‘fake,’ or dressing in labels and they can SHOVE it. I’m done. I want my life back. I want Kaitlynn back – the real Kaitlynn.

There is a song by Johnny Diaz that illustrates this thought process perfectly. (Thank you Jacob for sharing it with me). Here is the music video